I answer a letter written to Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: Last year I commissioned a friend to make a one-of-a-kind model lighthouse for my brother. When my brother saw it, he thought it was hideous. I suppose I could sell it, but how should I handle the situation when I see my friend again and he asks how my brother liked the lighthouse he made? I don't want to cause hurt feelings, but I'm a terrible liar. Any suggestions? -- PATTY IN PORTLAND

Dear Clueless:
Wow, there is so much fucked up shit here it's hard to decide where to start, so let's begin with your inability to handle the smallest of problems without resorting to soliciting a stranger for advice. God forbid you ever have a real dilemma, you worm.

A lighthouse? Really? A fucking model lighthouse? What, a Target gift card isn't good enough; it doesn't express who you are as an individual? You smugly carry around one of those canvas shopping bags when you go to Whole Foods, don't you? It takes several minutes for you to verbalize your order at Starbucks, doesn't it? Everyone who knows you smiles to your face but secretly wants you dead, don't they?

However, despite the soul-draining dreadfulness of that gift, fuck your spoiled brat brother for expressing his hatred of it. I'll bet he smokes a pipe and wears wool during the summertime. It doesn't take a lot of effort to say "Hey, thanks. What a thoughtful gift." He should practice saying it in the mirror so the next time you give him something useless he doesn't act like the Queen of Motherfucking England and turn his nose up at it.

And last but certainly not least, fuck your friend the delicate genius lighthouse maker. I'm guessing he owns more than one beret and showers infrequently, and if you tell him the truth he'll start reading really bad poetry at open-mic night at the coffeehouse. Heaven forbid, he might even start an emo band. Tell him your brother liked the piece of shit for god's sake. Jesus, what is it with your family and always telling the truth? Lie like the time you were a teenager and your mom caught you blowing the neighborhood kid down in your basement and you told her you were just tying his shoes.

What should you do with the lighthouse? How about whittling it down to a dildo and fucking yourself with it.