DEAR ABBY: I consider myself to be a "free spirit." I bike and hike to get around, do not own a car and pretty much try to live "off the grid."

My recently married sister and new in-laws are my favorite people in the world. But they constantly arrange weekend events -- movie nights, shopping trips and coffee bar-hopping. The objective, of course, is the joy of sharing good company.

As a vehement anti-consumerist and anti-materialist, I find it deeply upsetting to be asked to spend money on things I consider to be exploitive industries and endeavors. On the other hand, there's nothing I enjoy more than being in the presence of these kind, loving, nurturing people.

So, just as I can't stand the way they spend their money, I don't want to spoil their good time by being some kind of "psycho naturalist in-law." What can I do? -- PRINCIPLED BROTHER-IN-LAW

Dear Granola-eating pusbag:

How hard it must be to be you, oh tortured naturalist. Ooh, the evil people are seeing movies and drinking coffee...heaven forbid! Now we know how the German Resistance must have felt during the rise of the Nazis.

God obviously dropped the ball in your case. Instead of living in the richest country in the world and viewing your many privileges with self-righteous disdain, you deserve to be dying of malaria in the squalor of a third world shanty town.

I have no advice to give you, because you are too self-important to listen to me. After all, I have a car and enjoy coffee; I might as well be a rapist. I will offer advice to your sister and in-laws, though: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH SUCH A KILLJOY. MOVE FAR FAR AWAY FROM HIM AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIVES.