DEAR ABBY: I consider myself to be a "free spirit." I bike and hike to get around, do not own a car and pretty much try to live "off the grid."

My recently married sister and new in-laws are my favorite people in the world. But they constantly arrange weekend events -- movie nights, shopping trips and coffee bar-hopping. The objective, of course, is the joy of sharing good company.

As a vehement anti-consumerist and anti-materialist, I find it deeply upsetting to be asked to spend money on things I consider to be exploitive industries and endeavors. On the other hand, there's nothing I enjoy more than being in the presence of these kind, loving, nurturing people.

So, just as I can't stand the way they spend their money, I don't want to spoil their good time by being some kind of "psycho naturalist in-law." What can I do? -- PRINCIPLED BROTHER-IN-LAW

Dear Granola-eating pusbag:

How hard it must be to be you, oh tortured naturalist. Ooh, the evil people are seeing movies and drinking coffee...heaven forbid! Now we know how the German Resistance must have felt during the rise of the Nazis.

God obviously dropped the ball in your case. Instead of living in the richest country in the world and viewing your many privileges with self-righteous disdain, you deserve to be dying of malaria in the squalor of a third world shanty town.

I have no advice to give you, because you are too self-important to listen to me. After all, I have a car and enjoy coffee; I might as well be a rapist. I will offer advice to your sister and in-laws, though: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH SUCH A KILLJOY. MOVE FAR FAR AWAY FROM HIM AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIVES.

More pointless bickering!

DEAR ABBY: Would you mind settling a debate? My friend Tony was born in New York. His parents moved the family to Florida when he was 6.

Tony's wife was born and raised in New York, and he says he is "from New York." She disagrees and tells him he is from Florida because he was raised there.

When someone asks, "Where are you from?" (geographically), what is the correct response? -- BORN IN JERSEY, RAISED IN FLORIDA

Dear Jersey:

Obviously Tony's wife is from New York, because only a New Yorker would make such a big deal of something so insignificant. Tony's wife is the Seinfeld of nagging.

Tony, on the other hand, is an insecure fleeb who thinks being "from New York" makes him cool. Unless he was a founding member of the Velvet Underground, it does not.

So what is the correct response? Who cares? Who gives a fly-buzzed fuck-cubby? You need to stop engaging in "debates" with fucking neurotics and concentrate on more important matters, which in your case probably includes remembering to wipe your ass. The orginal Dear Abby should come back from the dead and haunt your stupid ass for asking such a question. I sincerely hope you awaken one night to find Abby spectre-fucking you with a dildo molded from disgraced televangelist Ted Haggard's penis.

I don't know who "Mrs. Web" is, but I'm answering her mail anyway

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have been dating a guy over the net. We are close and even told each other that we loved each other and we both really mean it. I am almost 16 and he is 18.

Now he won't email me back or even try to find me on the net. I know he has a steady job but shouldn't he make time for his girlfriend? Please tell me what to do.

Dear Jailbait:

Sorry, I'm stuck on the line "told each other that we loved each other and we both really mean it." Since he is making no effort to contact you, he probably didn't "mean it" at all. In all likelihood he found another girl to IM while feverishly masturbating and eating fried dough.

A lot of people will tell you "Hey, you're only sixteen; you'll have lots of chances to find love." Well, DON'T YOU BELIEVE 'EM, SISTER! You seem particularly needy and delusional; this may have been your one chance. And you blew it. How could you have been so stupid?

Okay, in all fairness, there are a few other possible reasons for his internet absence:

-He's really forty-seven and got scared off watching an episode of To Catch a Predator.

-He killed himself.

Ab Asshole

DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old grandson, "Fletcher," an average boy with good looks, is becoming as exhibitionist. He flaunts his body on almost every occasion. When people are around, he goes into his room and emerges minutes later without his shirt, naked to the waist, with his pants dropping down almost showing places we do not wish to see. He struts around, going from room to room, all the while his pants slipping even lower. Fletcher then usually changes into shorts, which also slide down and reveal more than the public should be viewing.

Fletcher does this whether it's hot or cold, in the house or outside. His behavior is not normal. He seems to be doing this stripping thing more and more, regardless of where he is. At our house over the holidays, he found an excuse to remove his shirt to show his abs. He's constantly exercising and working out and is always ready to pull open his shirt to show the results.

I don't know where exhibitionism at this age leads, but I'm sure the road is not a healthy trail to travel. Does all of this seem normal to you, Abby, and could you comment on it? -- CONCERNED IN BUCKS COUNTY, PA.

Dear Bucks:

"Fletcher"? More like "Felcher".

Your grandson is what modern society would call a douchebag. I know in your day a douchebag was called a "hot water bottle", was kept under your bathroom sink, and was used to unfunktify your coot in lieu of bathing, but this is very different.

Your douchebag grandson is a preening ass. In your youth, your male friends would have called him "fop" or "popinjay". Also, since he's most likely a prolific steroid user, the effeminate vanity masks a raging anger that dwells inside him. One day he will push his common-law wife down a flight of stairs. Disown him immediately.